I got some much needed sleep (hours upon hours of actually sleeping and making it into REM. It was wonderful) and somehow the insane dreams happening helped me figure out why this happened. And I feel a lot better about my actions (or lack thereof) because they actually make sense and knowing at least most of the why I can start working on fixing that.
So. The why.
1. I was taught that my discomfort is something to be ignored if it comes from older men.
I had older male family members who had weird habits that I wasn’t a fan of but when I was a tiny child and wriggled away, I was scolded. You know how little children can be against hugs and kisses and we try to get them to hug and kiss people (usually relatives) anyway? Like that. Except a tad more awkward. But not completely inappropriate, which is probably why, even when I was older, it was something that I was told to just put up with, it’s not doing anything harmful and saying something will just ruffle feathers and we don’t want that. Same thing applied to any older males at parties and whatnot. Or neighbors. Or anywhere there were other people. If he made me uncomfortable, I had to ignore that and stand there and be pretty (pretty quiet, pretty reserved, pretty good at pretending I didn’t want to run away).
Nothing harmful had actually happened and you don’t want to ruffle feathers. Until something harmful happens, you’re just overreacting.
2. I am a fairly peaceful person/I like making people happy.
In everything. But… I used to be a lot more vocal about things that crossed lines and boundaries. So, a natural tendency that really should be coupled with my very intense sense of justice/right vs. wrong/being quite the feminist to make me fight for those things and from that gain peace became magnified (in a bad way) by…
3. Standing up for myself never accomplishes anything. Usually, the end results are the exact opposite of what I wanted to accomplish. If I can smile and appease the person, I’ll be fine.
The Dad wasn’t exactly a nice person. Anytime anything went outside of his plans and his will, things got ugly. Yelling, screaming, breaking shit. Standing there thinking to yourself “Holy Hell, I just released a demon” because you went against his desire. Even if you did so by saying you weren’t going to wash that dish right this instant because you’re in the middle of your homework. Or if you walked away from the chore he gave you to do something Mom said to do. As I got older, I learned that shutting up, smiling, doing what is expected of you, all smiles (no matter how fake) is how you keep Demon Dad from appearing. Also: never just walk away. Never ask to be removed from the situation. You will be chased down. You will now have Demon Dad chasing after you and no one will help you (they will probably blame you) and the more you try to get away, the worse Demon Dad gets. Saying “no” in any way shape or form was a dangerous, scary thing, no matter how good of a reason I had. So that’s my main experience with men over a certain age.
The Mom. This is one long story because it’s a tad more complicated. But basically, one day I asked her to stop telling me every single detail about the pain in the ass that was her divorce from my father and my life at home became a living hell. One that managed to make the damage from my dad’s abuse pale in comparison. Suddenly the rules that applied to living with my dad (do everything perfectly. Meet every expectation, no matter how ridiculous) applied to her. With the added benefit that I was no longer a minor and she could kick me out of the house/threaten to do so whenever she pleased. After years of trying to fight for myself in a house that repeatedly told me (to my face, not just insinuated stuff) that I was worth nothing, that my education and my mental health meant nothing, that I am a slut/bitch/whore/ass/punk/ungrateful brat/bastard/lazy/fat/stupid/a ton of other shit, I gave up. I learned to keep my mouth shut. To say nothing. To walk away – if I could (this sometimes meant getting kicked out of my house or locked out for the day or being stranded at work or having to call work letting them know that I’m going to be hours late because my ride to work, five minutes before I needed to leave, just decided that I am undeserving and the train takes time). Eventually, this evolved into attempting to hide any unhappy emotions and going along with anything being said because that’s the only way to survive.
Church. Don’t ever say anything that is not approved by the leaders. Ever. including saying something is not an okay way to treat people. This was a small thing and alone would not have done any damage to my ability to stand up for myself, but it did reinforce what my household had already taught me.
Work. I was a lot better at saying no until work happened. I started having to say no to one of my managers and it was awful. I don’t have a car. I rely on public transportation because the people in my life who aren’t an hour away aren’t exactly reliable. I asked for certain days off and if I knew in advance I was going to have a really hard time making it to work I would let them know. I asked to change my availability from open to within the hours of public transportation/walking to the train in daylight because I was hit by a car and did not want that happening again and for Sundays off because it was a lot harder to get to work on those days. Nothing about that was unreasonable. I was harassed, constantly, for that. I was told I don’t care about my job, that I was making my manager’s life harder, repeatedly asked to change my availability. Along with other things that made me feel like complete shit for saying “this is what I can do. These are my limits. You are asking me to put my health and safety at risk for a job that pays less than $10 an hour. I am not going to do that anymore.”
4. I was in a relationship that lead to an avoidance of saying no and voicing my wants/needs.
This was only towards the end. There were questions (how are you today? We’re going to the movies, wanna join? Can we go out and do something today?) that I could not ask without being on the receiving end of stony silence, sometimes for hours. I very rarely said something made me uncomfortable, but when I did, I was made to feel stupid. I spent a couple of months trying to not upset someone who got upset unexpectedly and over random things. (I was a complete asshole for a while but at this point, I was a pretty damn good girlfriend. Not perfect, but I was actively working on being a better person and had been fixing my side of the relationship for long enough that at this point, I was guilt ridden but no longer an awful, or even kinda crappy, person to be dating, so, at this point, all of this was not a reciprocation of my actions). I could not say no, I could not voice my desires or wants without being made to feel like shit. I spent way too many days waiting for him to not be angry at me until I shut up. I banned no from my vocabulary and ignored my wants and desires. Wants and desires that were sometimes needs.
5. Once “no” no longer exists in your vocabulary, it is really hard to get back.
Unless you’re someone who gets it back and then uses it all the time. Without reason. I’m not that kind of a person. I tried that. It lasted two hours. I don’t know why it’s such a hard thing to get back, but it is. Brains are weird, how it’s so easy for all the bad to sink in and so hard for the good to filter through. I haven’t really had anyone I could say no to without things I try to avoid happening, but I still know that I have the right to say no and should. That just doesn’t filter through anymore.
So, of course, when I’m in situations where I have every right to say NO – no matter how polite and reasonable my no is – a part of my psychological makeup believes that appeasement (the smiling and agreeing and going along with everything) is the only thing I can do. That it is the proper response. That it is the only response that will avoid even more unpleasant things from happening.
So it’s not that I’m worried about being polite. Because that’s not the right term. I am worried about offending someone. Because – whether or not it is actually offensive – if my life has taught me one thing, it is that appeasement is the only way to survive. If I’m in a crappy situation, it will only be made worse by saying no and fighting it. If I do say no, a situation void of violence may become violent (Which is why, if violence is already presenting itself, I can say no. Because it’s too late. No point in appeasement now).
So that’s the why.
But, hopefully, I can combat it with two things.
1. The random people who have popped up to say I am worth more than that. Please start fighting for yourself (and stop walking on roads at night. But that’s mostly out of my control).
2. My knowledge of history. I am such a history person. It’s a part of my being. And history is a great example of how appeasement does not work. Ever. Maybe momentarily but that usually just makes things worse in the long run. If not for me, for someone else. Or, while this isn’t quite appeasement, but that whole Native American Tribes giving way a little bit to prevent America from doing worse damage and that didn’t stop America from violating them even more? Yeah. Basically my history right there and I’d like to create a more optimistic future (and thus future history) for myself.
So. That’s the why. My why, although, I’m sure (unfortunately) that there are plenty of people of out there with a similar problem and similar problems so if anyone reading this is in a similar boat, let’s paddle ourselves to a safe island. Let’s make our boat a warship. Or an extremely well guarded merchant vessel because I don’t actually want to be a warship. Speak up and speak out if you find yourself in a creepy situation. There are people who will support you, even if it is from afar. No can be a dangerous word, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t a good word. It’s a weapon that of used defensively is so damn valuable. It’s a weapon everyone has but not everyone knows how to use (like me. I’m convinced I’ll manage to stab my eye out. Sever a limb. Tear open the time and fabric of space and bring in the apocalypse).
So, *arms self with weapon. Looks pretty bad ass* I’m gonna go learn how to use this bad boy. *strikes epic pose*
(Although, I’m sure my inner pep talk will dissipate by the end of the day and at some point I’ll stare at the No I’m attempting to learn how to use and start freaking out because I’m a wimp).
Autumn Unleashed 